Maya's Blog

Well, my great beginnings haven’t begun yet … life keeps getting in the way. So I thought that I would at least journal my thoughts and see if they take me to my story. For the last six years I have been doing yoga … and I don’t mean Hatha or Birkram … yoga that makes you sweat and stretch. I’m talking about meditation … a quiet yoga. It has not only centered me, it has helped me to dig deeper into myself so that I could root out all the bad habits and moods that kept pulling me back into addictive behavior, or at least begin to work on it. Not that I ever succumbed to addiction, but I must admit that at times I did give into a lot of yelling and crying and feeling sorry for myself, which wasn’t very pleasant for anybody, least of all me.

As well, meditation has given me a direct path to God … our Highest Good … or our Highest Power that the AA program talks about. This alone has filled me with a kind of peace that I had never known before and a feeling of love that seemed quite foreign to me. I began to realize that in my family, love was something that we talked about, but never truly felt. We would say, “I love you,” but what did it mean? Did any of us ever stop to feel it? Did it wrap arms around us and make us feel safe? Was it there when we were frightened or felt alone? So what is this thing we call “love”? That’s something I wanted to find out and meditation led me to its beginning.

Before that, I spent two years with the Course of Miracles. I don’t know if you’ve heard about this book or not, but it crossed my path and it intrigued me. At that time, I had been out of recovery for a year, and I was working hard at staying clean and sober, and I thought that if this could possibly happen, it would definitely be a miracle. So I decided that doing the course would be time well spent, and perhaps, at the end, I might learn something about miracles. Funny enough, it wasn’t until I was well into my present path, that I realized the Course of Miracles was all about meditation. For every day of the year, the Course provided a lesson … a meditation … for the readers to follow. And where did it lead us? To God … our Highest Good … or our Highest Power that the AA program talks about. I just didn’t see it at the time. It wasn’t until later, much later, when I was finally getting the idea of what meditation was really all about that I understood that it’s meditation that brings us to the miracles.

Before Yoga and the Course of Miracles, I spent hours reading the Big Book. And when I look back, I realize now that the Big Book was also all about leading us to God. Bill W and Dr. Bob came up with an idea to keep us sober. One step at a time. One day at a time. Cliches for sure, but each cliche held the secret of keeping us on the path of sobriety. I once thought that I would take every AA slogan and write an article about it. But then it hit me that we  are not all at the same place, at the same time, and how I might interpret it, is not how somebody else might. Though, it’s true, that someone might get a flash of insight from my ideas … or vice versa – it always works both ways, as we are all struggling to get to the light. But as I was saying, I didn’t want to reinvent what Bill W and Dr. Bob had already done in such a great way!

So now that I worked my way back to the beginning, this would be such a good place to start. However, I have to admit that in the beginning I struggled with AA. I struggled with other people’s stories. I struggled with their anger and depression. I struggled with their boredom. I struggled with their judgments. I struggled with their rules. I was sure somewhere in the past, Bill W and Dr. Bob never meant for us to be so stuck here. But then, I finally figured out that they only intended to lead us to a place inside ourselves where we could breathe a little easier and make choices that were healthier for us. What we did after that was up to us. But they did say, that to stay sober, we did have to help others.

And guess what I discovered? The path that I’m on now, the Course of Miracles, and the Big Book all say the same thing. We can’t get out of any of this by ourselves. We have to help others. If we figure out something, we have to pass it on. If we take a step forward, we have to take the hand of the person behind us and pull them along. It’s just the way it works.

I’m going to call my new book “Chiron”, prounounced “Keeron”. Now, this will be a book based on a true story, but I’m allowing myself to stretch the truth and have some fun with it. Chiron was somebody I met briefly … although who he was, I’m not sure. But I do know one thing, he changed my life. It was at a time when I really needed somebody, and if he hadn’t been there, I’m not sure what would have happened. So I thought that perhaps he could lend himself to someone else who is in dire straights, at a time when they need somebody, and maybe, just maybe, he might change their life too. At any rate, he’s going to be the main character in the book and as such, I can only hope his wisdom transcends mine. Hopefully, I will be smart enought to move out of his way!

I had been out of recovery for less than a year when I met him, just after receiving a few frenzied emails from my three sons. I guess they had felt that I was “better” and that they could tell me how I had affected their lives when I had been drinking – and even when I hadn’t been … and none of it was done in a very positive way. It was a heartbreaking time for me, because I was already so vulnerable. Filled to the brink with guilt and shame, their emails confused me. Thinking I had their support, it was a bitter blow to realize they had their own stories that needed to be dealt with.

I know from talking to others, and from being in recovery, that this is a difficult time for most of us and a time when the addiction becomes stronger than the wish to be well. It’s a hard struggle when the rug gets pulled out from under our feet. And looking around desperately for support from other members of our family, and even our friends, we don’t always find it.

As well, I had come back to a husband who was still drinking … even though the counselors had advised against it. But I thought I needed to return to find out if there was something to save. I had made such a mess of everything, and I thought that I couldn’t let one thing more go down the drain. I think when we look back, we often find ourselves wondering how we made it through such dark times. That’s why someone like Chiron makes it easier to take at least one step toward the light.

So how am I going to open this? I thought maybe at an AA meeting. Perhaps that’s a good place to start.

I have gone through my website and cleaned out a few things I didn’t like and recategorized some of my writing, in the hope of streamlining everything … taking out the clutter, I guess you could say.

I had an email from a woman a month ago, telling me how much she enjoyed Homeward Bound, and because of her, I have found the courage to pick up the pen again. So thank you. I have decided to write another book. As much as I love Homeward Bound, I need to explore what happens “after recovery”. These last 8 years … and still counting … have been heartbreaking at times, bewildering at others, and yet threading its way through all this has been a kind of love and peace I have never encountered before. As I worked through my fear, those around me worked through theirs … except my mother. At least, she was the most outspoken about it. My sobriety somehow threatened her. However, I imagine as I write this new book, I will discover others who became more afraid of me as I became sober. But I know I will also find those who came to truly love me because I did.

I have also decided to joural each day before I sit down to write, so if anyone has anything to say, please don’t be shy. See you next time.